


Shadowy Vested Interests vs. Tony Stark's Robot Army: A Grudge Match

by chaletian



Category: Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, Tony Stark wants a robot army
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-25
Updated: 2012-04-25
Packaged: 2017-11-04 07:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/391305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaletian/pseuds/chaletian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Sensibly, Fury does not ask what harm Tony Stark could do, sequestered on a tropical island with nothing but a shack, a laptop running Windows 98, and two cellphones with spotty coverage, but instead tells Coulson to deal with it, and returns to the privacy of his underground lair.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shadowy Vested Interests vs. Tony Stark's Robot Army: A Grudge Match

Everyone’s priority, when it happens, is stopping Tony Stark turning to the dark side.

“Which is pretty much doomed,” points out Clint helpfully. “Look at the goatee.” They have to take a sidebar at this point to explain to Steve about Star Trek and mirror universes and facial hair, before getting back on topic, viz, the best strategy for derailing Tony’s apparently significantly developed plans for building a robot army and toppling the government, the judiciary, the legislature, and the fourth estate.

”Check it out,” says Bruce, scrolling down. “There’s a whole sub-plan for taking out Fox News.”

Steve looks troubled. “I don’t really think this is a great idea.”

Clint raises an eyebrow. “Actually, that part I can totally get behind.”

“We’re not destroying anything,” says Coulson, and that is apparently that.

Except not quite.

The thing is, with the exception of Thor, they’re crammed together in a shack on a tropical island (that Tony won in a bet years ago and promptly forgot about) with a greater reliance on water-sterilisation tablets than any of them is truly comfortable with in a long-term scenario, and nobody’s taking it well. (Except possibly Bruce, who’s used to tropical heat and shacks, and is quite relaxed about the whole situation, which frankly is its one saving grace.) Through a combination of bad luck (who knew Justin Hammer’s cousin would rise from such ignominious beginnings as _being Justin Hammer’s cousin_ to becoming the president of the United States?), bad judgement (yes, Thor had been quite correct in his assessment of interdimensional trolls as “a wretched plight upon any world,” but, in retrospect, they could probably have been dealt with without an unnecessarily gleeful battle that took out half of Los Angeles), and what is presumably a vast conspiracy of shadowy vested interests who are actually not that keen on the existence of a roving team of superpowered heroes looking to save humanity, SHIELD has been terminated, the Avengers team vilified, and arrest warrants issued and assets seized all round. 

“This is a temporary situation,” explains Fury over Skype, presumably from a highly secret underground bunker somewhere. 

“Possibly not temporary enough, sir,” says Coulson, and explains about the robot-army-building, government-toppling plans. Sensibly, Fury does not ask what harm Tony Stark could do, sequestered on a tropical island with nothing but a shack, a laptop running Windows 98, and two cellphones with spotty coverage, but instead tells Coulson to deal with it, and returns to the privacy of his underground lair.

“I think we’re underestimating the potential of a robot army,” says Natasha thoughtfully.

“There will be no robot army,” says Coulson, thus ignoring every dictum of science fiction. “Where _is_ Stark?”

Bruce looks up from a fortuitously found July 1987 issue of National Geographic. “Building a robot army in the generator hut,” he says. 

(It should be noted that it is at this stage that Coulson thinks back to a couple of days ago when Thor waved Mjolnir in a jovial fashion and said, “My friends! Return with me to Asgard! We shall spurn these petty fools and perform great deeds!” and _he_ had said, “That won’t be necessary.” He regrets this decision now.)

“I think he got Steve to help,” Bruce continues.

(In Asgard, Coulson thinks, there would have been no generator hut with a nascent robot army.)

Bruce returns to National Geographic, Natasha settles down to some serious assassin yoga, Clint declares his intention to hunt and gather, and Coulson decides the time has come to visit the generator hut-cum-robot workshop. And, hey. Stark has also found three toasters and a harpoon. The robot army looms closer.

“We need radar,” says Coulson. “Director Fury is concerned that shadowy vested interests will attempt some kind of extraordinary tropical island rendition. We weren’t sure if you’d be able to put something together.”

Deeper in the hut, Steve rolls his eyes, but Coulson has never yet overestimated Stark’s ego.

“I’m sorry, are you trying to imply that _Tony Stark_ can’t build a functional radar system out of a toaster, a harpoon and a laptop?” says Stark, arc reactor glowing indignantly. “What, you left _genius_ out of ‘genius billionaire playboy philanthropist?’”

Coulson, a pillar of self-control, forebears to point out that currently ‘genius’ is the _only_ thing Stark has going for him, since the government seized half his billions and Pepper took control of the other half out of sheer exasperation. “Radar,” he says, leaving, “unless you particularly want to wake up wearing an orange jumpsuit.”

”Hey!” shouts Stark, “I look _great_ in orange!” But Coulson hears him say, next, “C’mon, Cap, let’s build a fucking radar station,” and reckons that, for now, the robot army is averted.

So Tony builds a radar station, and Clint catches some fish for dinner, which they eat whilst Bruce tells them more about soybeans than anyone ever wanted to know (a hot topic in July 1987) and Natasha tells Tony that, no, she won’t make a mental note to tell Pepper to invest in soybean farms. Next thing they know, Fury’s reappearing on Skype, no longer in the bunker but instead very evidently back at SHIELD HQ, having apparently vanquished Justin Hammer’s cousin the president, the media, and the shadowy vested interests intent on the destruction of SHIELD and the Avengers Initiative. Justice is served. They return to New York.

(Coulson destroys the plans for the robot army, but he isn’t naïve enough to suppose Stark hasn’t had them all catalogued in his head since he was eight.)

“I’m going to miss that island,” sighs Bruce nostalgically when they get home.

He is the only one.

FIN


End file.
